This is the beginning...

I sometimes wish I knew where to begin in writing.
And other times I know exactly where: my heart.
Been thinking about how love works.
For me, it starts with faith. Though, it has always been seemingly troubling to mention how love is God. Not all believe. Not all want to believe. Freedom to choose. But even in choosing to believe, you still love despite how someone chooses. It's called respect. A deep resonating love exists in respect. Though troubled times cross us and shake our faith, there's something bigger there to keep it coming back. Love. In love's feeling form, can you describe the ache you feel when you love someone? Can you really reach to one word that describes what love is? That seemingly endless beat of your heart and repeated confusion of sentences or dazed expressions when they arrive. You can't teach love. You can teach romance. You can teach how to love. But you can't teach love. It's there, whether you know the word for it or not. You know it's there. And even in friendships, when you'd die for them, you have love. Whether they see what you see, believe what you believe, follow what you follow, you love them. Jesus didn't create exceptions to this rule. The Jesus I know isn't the Jesus culture proclaims him to be or even what half of what christians try to display. He is love. He is not like you and me, though made of what you and I are made of. He is in every way made of love. You can blame bad experiences on christians, I have. You can turn away from Him because of those who call themselves christians, I did. You can look at the world and it's tragedy and shake your head at Him, I have. But if I know one thing that exists in me that looks pure which is love, then I know I cannot exist without what he offers. And if I know that exists within me and I withhold it from anyone, I am not existing in what he has offered to me and countless others before me. The whole God concept seems crazy, and there seem to be countless ways to move around the idea of him and what he did and does, believe me, I hesitate every time I mention God to someone because I can't count how many times I've questioned him and his purpose and his story and I never want someone to walk away from me because I say I follow. I hesitate in calling myself a christian because of the connotation connected with it. I just want to be called faithful. It's like in the movie, "Return To Me" when the main character, Gracie, says she never wants to tell people she's had a heart transplant because people will look at her as if she were broken. I see myself the same way. If I call myself a christian, people will more often than not see me as something negative. Broken. But I shy away from giving a label because if I had to have one, I would want to be labeled under Love. Simply, I want to show anyone that I want to love them and give them what I know has been given to me. There is no intention beyond that. But it has to start and end with faith in what love is. For today, and hopefully forever, I exist in this love. I don't understand a lot of things. Never have and more than likely never will. And more often than not I don't ever understand love. But it's there. It's in that smile you can't get enough of. It's in the child you would lay your life down for. It's in your friends who carry you when you get weak. It's in a man who existed years ago who came to give and be life in people's lives. The bigger picture is wild in this. Creation itself an expression of love. But not everyone will see that. However, there is no turning away from them. You continue to love and give love to them.

The best example of love I can give is when I was in Nicaragua and our group went to a special needs school where about 10 special needs students were there doing a variety of things. We joined in with them, playing a small role in their world. But there was one word to describe how they made you feel: loved. There is a deeper love than I probably know in those students. And I felt it. They love without prior knowing of your history. They don't love you based on your resume. They didn't love you based on the choices you've made. Their child-like love abounded what in 20 years of living I could ever give to someone else. They weren't taught that. It existed there.

I strive to know this love. Sure, we can love without knowing God, but how did you know how? And yes, your situations growing up and people you knew helped that, but how did they know?

Without love, we would be void. So love. Give love. Find love. Question His love. As for me, I am beginning to see where love comes from and what endless love looks like. To me, it starts and ends in faith. And while never easy and despite someone's choice to yield to this, faith bears love. Love is deep. There are no exceptions to this love.